6 Things People Make Fun of Canadians For That Are Actually Totally Awesome.

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Bryan Feller
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1. Eating lots of maple syrup on everything

First of all... I wish!

How could anyone be offended by the assumption that our dining pre-requisite is absolute deliciousness? Sadly, even though we Canadians do require a nice layer of body fat to survive our long winters, there's no way we could afford that. The cost of real maple syrup is pretty much our only saving grace from a nation-wide diabetes epidemic. If you don't believe me, you obviously haven't tried the good stuff.

"hint: this isn't it"

If you are going to ridicule us based on a food product we obsess over, let it be Kraft Dinner, the Canadian equivalent to Mr. Noodle. This pantry staple of students and all others requiring quick comfort food is essentially a cheap and much-less-healthy version of macaroni and cheese (not that it was super healthy to begin with). For some reason, we can’t seem to resist the neon-orange glow of powdered cheese, nestled in noodles in a cute little blue box.

2. Dog sledding

First of all, most Canadians haven't even seen a dog sled beyond pictures in tourist magazines. But if they, or you, got to actually experience travelling via the harnessing of wolf-descended power, I think we’d agree that doggy-style is the way to go. Consider, for instance:

a) Hitting a deer. In a car you would be weighing the pros and cons of calling the insurance company to pay for the damage. In my dog sled, my vehicle ate the deer... awesome!

b) Fuel. In a car you go to a gas station and pay an arm and a leg to re-fuel it: in my dog sled my engines re-fueled by taking an arm and a leg off that deer. Or, in the most extreme situations, I shoot the weakest dog and the dog sled re-fuels itself through the awesome power of cannibalism. Maybe not pretty, but neither is an oil spill/leak. Gulf of Mexico anyone?

c) Pure Awesomeness. Whereas a car is powered by explosions (awesome), my dog sled is powered by a stampede of carnivores which respect me as their leader (awesome times infinity).

"How I imagine the dogs see me"

3. Coloured (Monopoly) Money

Maybe you don't use cash money anymore because you aren't a rap artist, but if you did you would find colour-coded money to be really efficient. Most importantly in your rap videos. People will know that it's not just a fist-full of dollar bills without an awkward close-up compromising the artistic integrity of your music video, because “brown” means $100. Not to mention the benefits it provides when making big purchases: I don’t know about you, but when I'm making a big purchase I don’t want to think for too long about how much money I don't have anymore. When the store clerk has to sift through every bill it becomes painful. On top of the fact that I just want to go play with my new dog sled already.

4. Celine Dion

She's the heart of Canada, screw you.

5. Being the nice guys

Fewer guns, less funding for the military, less crime, better education, fewer enemies..wait, did that just go from seemingly negative to super-positive? They say nice guys finish last, but if last means last to be attacked, or last to go to jail, or last to get shot, I think I’m up for that. And while the truth is our current government seems to be out to permanently destroy our former global reputation as people who don’t bully their way to the top, us common-folk Canadians can be counted on to yes, apologize excessively, and share what we have. It keeps our blood-pressure down so that we can save our stress for better things, like whether our hockey team will make it to the play-offs.

6. Healthcare

Oh no, Socialism! I'm sure that I'm going to hear about this one in the comments section but I don't care, it has to be said: universal health care is friggin’ fantastic, and it doesn’t mean ridiculous taxes. Every time I join my dog-sled team in an assault against a polar bear, it adds great confidence to know that my horrific wounds will be tended to without damaging my pocketbook. I can be totally reckless and Canada will fix me up free of charge. Plus the wait time stuff is garbage. The people that are made to wait in waiting rooms are the ones who go to Emergency with a cold. I see it as Canada’s way of saying "quit being a whiner" to those people. If you go into emergency after being horribly gored by a narwhal tusk (I would know, it’s the Canadian equivalent of a gang shooting) you are fast-tracked to first-in-line, which is how it should be.