20 Karaoke Songs For Baritone (That Will Get You Laid)

Andrew Brown

1. Margaritaville - Jimmy Buffett

This song is sure to make any 50 year old in a dingy bar, holler and hoot and it's the easiest song on this list to sing.

The first pro tip I give to you is accessorizing.

Holding a margarita and wearing a lei you purchased from your dollar store is essential for this act.

The margarita will let people know you are drunk and the lei will let people know you want to get laid.

Sure, this song might attract the walking dead for bumping, but it's really a test of the power of karaoke. We all gotta slay a few dragons in our life.

2. Common People - Pulp

If William Shatner can sing this, than so can you. It also can attest to WHY he sang it. For all the alien inter-species action of course!

Pro tip number two: Vaguely signal to your crowd your intentions.

The chorus to this song is "I want to sleep with common people like you." So, just like you learned in speech class, look above everyone's heads, point out at different parts of the crowd and every person will think you are pointing at them.

The only downside is there is no filter to what you'll attract. But, if you cast a wide net you're bound to catch something!

3. American Pie - Don McLean

So, you know that Weird Al Song about Star Wars? Well, you're in luck because unbeknownst to all Millennials, it's a parody of a song called, American Pie.

Which brings us to pro tip 3: Visual Priming

Every time we repeat the words "American Pie," we will cause our unsuspected prey to warm their loins. This is proof from a historical documentary film, "American Pie" released in the late 90s. In this documentary, the test subject Jason Biggs, is triggered into heat at the sight of pie.

This song is long, so, ensure you don't drink too much or you'll be straining to hold your bladder.

4. Soul to Squeeze - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Instead of singing, "Soul to Squeeze" just say, "Butt to Squeeze." Hilarious!

5. 500 miles - The Proclaimers

Pro tip number 4: Pretend to be foreign

Nothing is more sexy than the unknown. 500 miles will twist your tongue to sound like a genuine scots(wo)man. Being Scottish is so hot right now thanks in-part to the critically acclaimed show, Outlander. Developed by none other than Ronald D Moore. You know, that guy that wrote tons of Star Trek episodes. I wouldn't bring that up at any point, because it might kill the mood.

Anyway, I'm just saying, people might think you have an accent and that will be points to you.

6. Jenny (867-5309) - Tommy Tutone

Instead of singing 867-5309, sing your number. Genius.

7. Your Song - Elton John

Sometimes you show up to karaoke and there are no fresh bodies you want to rub up against. You might be tempted to go home. WRONG!

Pro tip 5: When the market's down, invest!

Elton is a crowd pleaser. You aren't going to pull in any tail with his smooth ballads. But, you'll generate social buzz with the regulars. Next time at karaoke they'll be whispering praise to others, telling them to pay close attention to your performance.

8. Tom's Diner - Suzanne Vega

Tom's Diner is for the hard to gets. You know the people that go against the mainstream, but even that's too mainstream, so they flip it again and embrace mainstream, but they're not doing it to be mainstream.

There's an (alternate music video of this song) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNWyF3iSMzs] without musical accompaniment. Ask your DJ to clear the music track. It doesn't matter if people don't get it, they aren't supposed to get it. The ones that do get it are the real phonies. Bang those phonies.

You get it?

9. You Spin Me Round - Dead Or Alive

This song works on both the young and old. You can thank Flo Rida and Ke$ha for the popular remix.

Anything goes when you're singing a Pete Burns song. Attraction is not a binary concept. Chicks, chicks with dicks, chicks wearing strap on dicks. We're all just bodies. We all just want to feel warm.

Now you have an excuse to buy an eyepatch. Just don't keep it on too long. I've read on Answers.com, according to Jeffrey Wilinski, that wearing an eye patch for too long causes "the sensing nerves to go numb", or worst they'll die.

10. Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies

Barenaked Ladies stands on its own as a panty and boxer dropper. No gimmicks required.

I would have suggested, "If I Had a Million Dollars" but then you'd have to sing both parts, or worst, get your buddy to sing the other part. And you know they are going to bogart your lines.

11. Hurt - Johnny Cash

Looking for a rough tumble? You don't want a nibble you want a bite. You're a tortured soul and you want to be tortured?

12. Psycho Killer - Talking Heads

Crazy can be hot. People always say they fear serial killers, but in reality, they want to do the horizontal while at any moment they could be murdered. It's the last taboo that wants to be broken.

If you get anywhere with this song, don't expect a phone call the day after. In fact, they'll likely dart right after climax.

The french lyrics in this song can be tricky, so I would brush up on Dimoitou or Téléfrancais! A talking pineapple, that's just so meta.

13. Don't You Want Me - The Human League

Tell people you've gone through a bad break-up and you're trying to get over your ex.

Pro tip 6: Pity can be a powerful tool.

14. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down

According to Statistics Canada, 43% of the population are D.C Fans.

Pro tip 7: The numbers don't lie

Thats a large target audience we can tap into. If you can stomach it, go to the HMV or Hot Topic and for 20 bucks, you have yourself a man of steel T-shirt. Sometimes, you have to do things you're not proud of but you don't have to tell anyone.

15. Light My Fire - The Doors

This song is a fire starter. But, only with dirty hippies.

Pro tip 8: Clothes make the person

For added effect, you should wear a button up shirt and keep the first three buttons unbuttoned. If they see you have buttons unbuttoned, then they'll want to unbutton. If you get what I'm buttoning...

16. Mr. Roboto - Styx

After you're done singing, if anyone approaches you pull a Lt. Data and tell them "I am fully functional; programmed in a broad variety of techniques."

17. Ground Control to Major Tom - David Bowie

There's bound to be people on drugs at the bar. Alright, so you don't do drugs, but trust me, people are doing drugs. Party drugs.

After your performance, you just need to convince them you really are an astronaut and you'll fly them to the moon. You'll have to take drugs to even the playing field because if they're on drugs and you aren't, well, go ask Cosby.

18. Toto - Africa

Look, it's hard to come up with 20 songs to get you laid. If you're a baritone, you can sing this. Isn't that good enough? The more songs you have, the better. In life, we always have a bit of filler in our burger and TV shows and this is your karaoke filler song.

19. Down Under - Men At Work

You want fellatio? Sing this song. "Down under" means "Down under."

I would not attempt this song without practice. The lyrics are irregular and many are tricked into thinking this song is easy to perform but find themselves stumbling.

20. The Bad Touch - Bloodhound Gang

Desperate times can call for desperate measures. When all other songs have failed, sometimes you just have to hit them over the head.

Pro tip 9: Sometimes there's nothing to lose

You can pelvic thrust your way through this entire song. At this point you having nothing to lose.

Alright, so you followed my advice and learned it wasn't really about getting the sticky. Your personal journey was really all about self confidence.

Karaoke to get laid? Come on, you dummy. Why would you go through all this effort when you can just swipe left or right on Tinder?

I mean honestly, I just wanted to make a list of songs you could sing if you were baritone. But, I knew I had to put sex in here for the clicks or it wouldn't sell.

I needed the clicks. I need the money. My dog is sick. He has a twisted stomach and if I don't pony up the bitcoins for his operation, I'm going to come home one day from my part time job at the mill to find my little guy dead. Then, I'll have to throw him in the freezer because I'll have to wait a few days before I can drive into town to get him cremated. Please don't make me throw my dog in the freezer. Just click and share. If he dies it's on your hands!